Fathers

As I looked back on the few blogs I have written I realized that many were simply bitch sessions. I sat and thought for a moment before writing about my latest complaint. Perhaps I should first find some way to change my thoughts and improve my mood, there by not adding to the 'bitch list'. Then I decided, no body reads this anyway so screw it, here goes another one.

Chris and I have spent countless hours caring for our very ill son for five days now. It has been heart breaking watching him suffer through something I had no explanation for. The Saturday night it started Chris got out of bed at around midnight to drive to J's friends house and bring him home. He lovingly tucked him into bed reassuring him that we were just down the hall if he needed us. Chris has cleaned out the puke bowl so many times I have lost count. because he knows how sick it makes me to do so.  On Monday when he went to work he called and sent texts several times just to check on Joseph and see how he was doing. On Tuesday when the doctor sent us to the hospital for and urgent CT scan Chris called his boss and asked for the rest of the day off so he could come home and be with his family. When they told us to take him back to the ER Chris didn't hesitate to grab his keys pack him carefully into the car and escort us quickly, but safely, into Salem. While we were in triage J fell asleep for a moment, I asked Chris to take advantage of the opportunity to run and grab us caffeine. J of course woke up while he was gone and asked 'where did Dad go?', he wouldn't go back to sleep until Dad was back. Chris held his hand while they tried multiple times to put in and IV and walked him to the bathroom carrying his IV bag when he couldn't get there on his own. While waiting for his second CT scan results I ducked out to eat dinner. J in his heavily medicated daze gaze up at Chris and said "I love you Dad". Chris relayed this to me with tears in his eyes as we were going to bed last night. That is a moment that will stick with him forever. He may not be his biological father but he will always be his Dad.

I called his biological father yesterday as I was driving him in for his urgent CT scan. I thought it would be a good idea to give him a heads up as to the fact that the possibility of surgery had been talked about. I know if I were in his shoes I would appreciate a warning before receiving a phone call that he had just had surgery. B was home from work that day and although he did vocalize concern for J he also spent several minutes of the brief conversation talking about how sick he was with his head cold. Never once did he actually ask to speak to J, he did ask to be updated though so I did. I called him after they found nothing on the first CT scan, I called him after I was told to take him to the ER, I called him after he had his second CT scan, again never once did he ask to speak to his son. When I called him during my 'dinner break' after the second CT I noticed a ton of noise in the background. Upon inquiring I learned he had managed to drag himself out of his sick bed to go play his weekly Tuesday boccie call game. Needless to say that conversation was exceptionally short so as not to interrupt too much of his play time. I didn't call him again after that. I realized that if he was actually concerned he would have taken the time to call or text to check on him like several other of our friends and family had been doing throughout the day. This morning I decided not to call him either. I have been awake for three hours now and have not heard a thing from him, nor do I anticipate a call anytime in the near future.

J is doing much better this morning. Although we still do not know exactly what was wrong with him I am glad to see him sitting up with a smile back on his face. Chris decided to take another day home just to be sure J was alright and we didn't have to rush him back in today. I am blessed that B gave me such amazing boys but I am even more blessed that Chris  has chosen to be the loving dedicated father that they so desperately needed. It has been a beautiful progression from the time our family came together and Chris was 'merely a stepdad' to the time were they acknowledged, accepted and invited him to be their Dad.

Just can't sleep

Insomnia has been a plague I have been struggling to survive for almost two weeks now. My emotions are runner high. I am quick to irritation, quick to tears, quick to hysterical laughter, quick to snap judgement, and quick to feeling - everything. The last twelve days or so have been exhausting. This morning I decided to just go with it.

After laying in bed with my mind rehashing every event, decision, action taken and comments made in recent past I just got up at 4:15ish and said screw it...'good morning world'. I went to the bathroom and read for awhile. That is not a cute euphemism for anything, I simply put the seat down and read. With people living in my front room and my loving husband and baby sleeping in bed it seemed like the only logical place to turn a couple of pages.  Reading time being at a premium it was nice to simply sit uninterrupted for about 45 minutes. I think I may need to find a place to store a other reading material in the for future, Revolver magazine and it's Metal band interviews can only hold my attention for so long. So now here I sit, typing mindlessly away, rambling about...nothing really.

Perhaps if I take a moment to pout out what my brain has been mulling over I will sleep better tonight, it's certainly worth a try.

Derby...totally bummed. After really taking a good hard look at the economics and logistics of it I had to come to the ugly reality that I am just not ready to jump into it full force yet. Making a commitment to it that I know I couldn't follow through with would in the long run be a bigger disappointment than simply baby stepping into the league. At the same time I am bummed that I didn't just throw myself fully and completely into it. Today I will contact the league and find out what I can do to volunteer and maybe even still get in some skate hours with the girls. Slow immersion into cold unsure waters. Most of my life I have been the 'dive right in' kind of girl. I have noted that at those times although I am quick to jump, my swim time is usually quite short. This time I will take a different approach and see what happens.

My garden/seedling project...overwhelming. First couple of lessons learned. If you plant them they will grow. There is never enough space for a garden. Too many of one 'crop' is well...too many. Finding homes for unwanted plants is like finding homes for unwanted couches, if you offer them for free people tend to think there is something wrong with them. Hundreds of little pepper and tomato plants are crowding my front porch. Dozens of potential potato plants are on the back porch waiting to make roots in the soil. Today I will take down the plastic from the patio (make shift green house), make sure all of the arbors are stable and plant my potato starters amongst the randomly sprouting pumpkins. I ought to take some pictures of the garden in it's early stage and post some pictures.

Exes...grrrrr...frustrating. There is so much anger, anger a secondary emotion, perhaps hurt or disappointment is a better descriptor. Truly it amazes me how someone so far away can have such an impact on so many lives. There is some idea in his head, or so I believe, that he cannot be an affective parent from such a distance. Somehow I must find a way to convey that if he can have a strong negative impact the way he has then the potential for an equally strong positive impact is also there. Every day is the opportunity to leave a memory in the mind of a child and it would seem to me that he would prefer to leave happy memories he just doesn't know how. I wonder if there are any websites for distance parenting, advice and support things. I am very happy that he is moving on with his life and creating a new existence for himself, I just wish he could still find a way to include the children he already has a bit more.

Vacation?...exciting and terrifying. There are so many loving faces I long to see and warm embraces I yearn to behold in my trip to the Bay Area. However, I have become so accustomed to my relatively quiet, slow paced, small town life that even just thinking about the fast paced, loud, over crowded and sometimes violent madness that I moved away from gives me knots in my stomach. The bottle of 10 little pills prescribed just for this trip will most likely be my best friend. At least while I am in the crazy busy Oakland airport I will be happily living in an anxiety free state. I know that Chris is doing his very best to be supportive and I'm sure that me taking about my fears of this trip is not helping. He has this manly husband want/need to protect me from the outside world (that is outside of our little area) and he has this idea that I am stepping into a dangerous place. The news of Lyra's crazy drive by probably didn't help. My constant need to talk to my husband about everything probably needs a filter for the time being.

Ah I feel a little better now, a small weight has been lifted.

Time for a gratitude attitude adjustment...
I am grateful for having the space to plant a small garden.
I am grateful that our 6th graders had a great time at camp.
I am grateful that our 6th graders are home...I missed them.
I am grateful that today is payday.
I am grateful BreAnna starts her new job today.
I am grateful Chris has a (unofficial) job interview.
I am grateful my body is getting stronger.
I am grateful we found a good psychiatrist for Kenneth and Matthew.
I am grateful for music to dance/skate to.
I am grateful for a good mood :)

It's been a long time in my hectic life...but I'm back.

This morning I was re-introduced to Blogspot and while reading through my posts remembered how much and why I liked this site. I also realized how much has happened since the last time I wrote anything. Our family and it's dynamics have changed so much. We have really come together as a unit now. It is amazing looking back at how things began to see how smoothly we melded together. As birthday season is on the brink of exploding the kids are at the moment 16, 14, 12, 11, 10, 9, 7, and 1. As of this summer Chris and I will have been together for three years, although it seems like so much longer.

I want to use this space again. There are so many wonderful adventures in life, love, learning and parenting that I want to share. This will more than likely a space where my filter will be off so if you are offended log off and don't read anymore.