Insomnia has been a plague I have been struggling to survive for almost two weeks now. My emotions are runner high. I am quick to irritation, quick to tears, quick to hysterical laughter, quick to snap judgement, and quick to feeling - everything. The last twelve days or so have been exhausting. This morning I decided to just go with it.
After laying in bed with my mind rehashing every event, decision, action taken and comments made in recent past I just got up at 4:15ish and said screw it...'good morning world'. I went to the bathroom and read for awhile. That is not a cute euphemism for anything, I simply put the seat down and read. With people living in my front room and my loving husband and baby sleeping in bed it seemed like the only logical place to turn a couple of pages. Reading time being at a premium it was nice to simply sit uninterrupted for about 45 minutes. I think I may need to find a place to store a other reading material in the for future, Revolver magazine and it's Metal band interviews can only hold my attention for so long. So now here I sit, typing mindlessly away, rambling about...nothing really.
Perhaps if I take a moment to pout out what my brain has been mulling over I will sleep better tonight, it's certainly worth a try.
Derby...totally bummed. After really taking a good hard look at the economics and logistics of it I had to come to the ugly reality that I am just not ready to jump into it full force yet. Making a commitment to it that I know I couldn't follow through with would in the long run be a bigger disappointment than simply baby stepping into the league. At the same time I am bummed that I didn't just throw myself fully and completely into it. Today I will contact the league and find out what I can do to volunteer and maybe even still get in some skate hours with the girls. Slow immersion into cold unsure waters. Most of my life I have been the 'dive right in' kind of girl. I have noted that at those times although I am quick to jump, my swim time is usually quite short. This time I will take a different approach and see what happens.
My garden/seedling project...overwhelming. First couple of lessons learned. If you plant them they will grow. There is never enough space for a garden. Too many of one 'crop' is well...too many. Finding homes for unwanted plants is like finding homes for unwanted couches, if you offer them for free people tend to think there is something wrong with them. Hundreds of little pepper and tomato plants are crowding my front porch. Dozens of potential potato plants are on the back porch waiting to make roots in the soil. Today I will take down the plastic from the patio (make shift green house), make sure all of the arbors are stable and plant my potato starters amongst the randomly sprouting pumpkins. I ought to take some pictures of the garden in it's early stage and post some pictures.
Exes...grrrrr...frustrating. There is so much anger, anger a secondary emotion, perhaps hurt or disappointment is a better descriptor. Truly it amazes me how someone so far away can have such an impact on so many lives. There is some idea in his head, or so I believe, that he cannot be an affective parent from such a distance. Somehow I must find a way to convey that if he can have a strong negative impact the way he has then the potential for an equally strong positive impact is also there. Every day is the opportunity to leave a memory in the mind of a child and it would seem to me that he would prefer to leave happy memories he just doesn't know how. I wonder if there are any websites for distance parenting, advice and support things. I am very happy that he is moving on with his life and creating a new existence for himself, I just wish he could still find a way to include the children he already has a bit more.
Vacation?...exciting and terrifying. There are so many loving faces I long to see and warm embraces I yearn to behold in my trip to the Bay Area. However, I have become so accustomed to my relatively quiet, slow paced, small town life that even just thinking about the fast paced, loud, over crowded and sometimes violent madness that I moved away from gives me knots in my stomach. The bottle of 10 little pills prescribed just for this trip will most likely be my best friend. At least while I am in the crazy busy Oakland airport I will be happily living in an anxiety free state. I know that Chris is doing his very best to be supportive and I'm sure that me taking about my fears of this trip is not helping. He has this manly husband want/need to protect me from the outside world (that is outside of our little area) and he has this idea that I am stepping into a dangerous place. The news of Lyra's crazy drive by probably didn't help. My constant need to talk to my husband about everything probably needs a filter for the time being.
Ah I feel a little better now, a small weight has been lifted.
Time for a gratitude attitude adjustment...
I am grateful for having the space to plant a small garden.
I am grateful that our 6th graders had a great time at camp.
I am grateful that our 6th graders are home...I missed them.
I am grateful that today is payday.
I am grateful BreAnna starts her new job today.
I am grateful Chris has a (unofficial) job interview.
I am grateful my body is getting stronger.
I am grateful we found a good psychiatrist for Kenneth and Matthew.
I am grateful for music to dance/skate to.
I am grateful for a good mood :)
